Shiba Inu
Ever wondered what would happen if a fox and a teddy bear got it on?
Probably something like a Shiba Inu and a resulting marriage built
around the Shiba Inu that slowly devolves into a loveless prison because
foxes and teddy bears are just too different. One might worry about the
mental toll growing up in a broken home can take, but this is a dog who
walks around all day showing its butt to everyone. It’s going to be
just fine.
Jack Russell Terrier
Jack Russells are known to people who’ve never seen a real Jack
Russell but have seen Frasier as “that cute little quiet dog”, and known
to owners of Jack Russells as “Jesus Christ not again. I walked you 20
minutes ago you asshole.” Sure, they run and bark a lot, but they’re
also down to chill in front of the TV all day, if that’s what you’re
into. They’re the best versions of a lot of different dogs, shrunk down
for your convenience.
Boxer
Boxer dogs are named such after their human counterparts because
they are lean, powerful, and energetic, and not because they’re violent
and insane. If anything, it’s today’s human boxers that give the dogs a
bad rap. Let’s call boxer humans something like “punchies” so boxer dogs
can lay uninhibited claim to their breed and not be dragged down any
further by The Hangover 3.
Newfoundland
Newfoundlands are known for their docile nature, fondness of
children, and shaggy coats, making them the rough equivalent to Dog
Hagrid, which A) Is a perfect comparison befitting a detailed profile of
this nature, and B) a movie I desperately want to exist.
Collie
Aside from being all fluffy and adorable, there’ve been about a
billion films made about how awesome and helpful and smart Collies are
(well, they were all about just one, but a bunch of different Collies
had to play it, so there.) How cool are Collies? A friend of mine once
excitedly texted me after he’d met and petted one. Really
Beagle
One of the first questions you need to ask yourself as a dog lover
is do you prefer floppy or pointy ears? Beagles definitely lead the
charge for “floppy”, not only because the sight of their ears dancing in
the wind on a cool September morning, when there’s dew on the ground
and a ghostly mist in the woods ahead, is food for the soul. But also
Snoopy’s a Beagle, and he’s cute as fuck.
Corgi
Corgis have been experiencing a boom in popularity recently. It’s no
surprise, given how ridiculously cute and friendly they are. Corgis are
also the furry faces of England’s Royal Family, and if it’s good enough
for them, it’s good enough for us. Except for that whole monarchy thing
to begin with. And the intermarrying stuff. And haggis. On second
thoughts, just give us the dogs and get back to your weird little
island.
St Bernard
It’s hard seeing a St. Bernard and not imagining a terrible incident
at the dog factory that caused what should have been a pretty cool,
regular dog to become this insanely huge, shaggy, dog-bear hybrid. St.
Bernards belong to a class of breeds known as “Giant Dogs” which
definitely seems like something people should be discussing more/all the
time.
Australian Shepherd
Amanda Seyfried owns an Australian Shepherd, presumably not just
because they share initials, but because they’re gentle, loyal, hard
working, and often have that cool thing where both eyes are different
colours. They’re a great choice as a companion dog, especially if you’re
maybe a little lonely and don’t date as much as you’d want to. I get
it, being a successful actress gets in the way of things you might
really want sometimes, such as a manageable and meaningful relationship
with someone who really gets where you’re coming from/loves Australian
Shepherds (which I do!)/maintains his professional integrity at every
turn.
Bernese Mountain Dog
Imagine it: You’re stranded alone, at the very top of a treacherous
mountain. It’s been three days since you saw anyone from your group, and
four days since you looked your best friend in the eye as he fell from
the summit into the snowy depths below. You’re cold, hungry, and about
to gnaw off your arms 127-hours-style, not because they’re stuck
anywhere but you’re just super bored. Suddenly, over bounds a Bernese
Mountain Dog, lumbering up to your side with a cask of whisky round its
neck and a sack of hamburgers. That’s the kind of dog this is.
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